Yesterday, during a conversation with my husband Michael about my concern that a colleague wasn’t dealing with the reality of a situation, he listened carefully and then said:

“Honey, you need to stop expecting you from other people.”

I took a deep breath and groaned. How many times have I heard him say this? How often have I shared his advice with others along with the fact that every person has their own spiritual path and it’s not our job to interfere?

The conversation that followed reminded me of a blog I wrote last year about handling political differences and how that relates to managing relationships in general.

We bring our history to every encounter. While it might seem like I’m having a conversation with a friend, the reality is there’s a crowd of people standing behind both of us. Who I am, what I believe, and how I behave are influenced by my parents, siblings, teachers, employers, religious leaders, friends, strangers, and so on. Not only that, but I’m also influenced by past events – heartbreaks, disappointments, triumphs, trauma, betrayals, successes – all of it.

Our history shapes us, and once we recognize that every human being is a mixture of their life experiences, we realize that the person voting for the candidate we despise brings their whole life to the ballot box. The friend who drives us crazy because she doesn’t share our views has views of her own, influenced by her past. People who behave in ways that seem mind-boggling are guided by internal data that might appear crazy to us, while familiar and sensible to them.

Viewing humans this way helps me let go of the urge to try convincing someone to see my point. That’s because changing people’s minds and hearts isn’t just about saying the right words, using the right tone, or sharing accurate facts. I might be skilled at communication, but I can’t step inside someone’s mind and erase their past experiences. But I can manage my own.

My friend Debbie Ford used to say that when you point a finger at someone else, three fingers point back at you. She encouraged me to focus on my own issues first because doing so helps heal the history that shapes my choices and behavior. It also helps me have compassion for those who don’t share my perspectives.

These days, I’m trying my best to be more self-reflective and less reactive, but I’m a perpetual work in progress. I want to be kind instead of judgmental because I want my words to help, not harm. So I’ll be taking Michael’s advice to heart. Again ☺.

“Stop expecting you from other people.”

Love,

Cheryl