I sat down to eat breakfast when I suddenly realized I’d missed a dear friend’s birthday. In an instant, my cheeks flushed, my breath grew shallow, and my mind immediately started crafting stories about how disappointed my friend must have been not to hear from me. What began as a good day quickly turned stressful until I saw what was happening through the lens of the nervous system.

I put down my fork, placed my hand on my chest, and said, “Sweetheart, it’s ok. An old program just kicked in and we’re going to turn it off now.”

I smiled to help shift my body out of its anxious state. I took several deep breaths, each one followed by a sigh. And I began replacing the negative stories forming in my mind with reality. Here’s some of what I said to myself:

Sweetheart, you can’t remember everything. Everything is a lot to remember. (This made me laugh).

While I think you’re special, you’re not the only person in your friend’s life.

You can love people without the pressure of perfection.

Give yourself a break. You don’t have to wind yourself up anymore with standards that no longer serve you.

While my reaction to missing a friend’s birthday might seem over the top, it made perfect sense now that I understand how the nervous system works.

The nervous system is designed to keep us safe and connected. When there’s a threat to this goal, it issues a warning in the form of reactions generally known as fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. This programming was installed long ago based on our experiences and has been running for decades. In my case, my nervous system was reacting to outdated coding that said things like:

I want people to like me.
I want people to think I’m a good person.
I don’t want people to be mad at me.
I don’t want to disappoint people.
I don’t want conflict.
I want to keep the peace.

Once I saw what was happening, I was able to interrupt the old programming with new behaviors and within minutes, I was back to enjoying breakfast after texting a belated birthday wish to my friend.

The process of re-programming the nervous system begins with self-awareness and curiosity. How does my nervous system work? What are my triggers? What happens in my body when I feel unsafe and/or disconnected? What new behaviors do I want to cultivate to feel more in command of my life?

I’m excited to discover that this work has profound implications for daily living – more peace and spaciousness throughout the day, less anxiety and worry, more mental clarity and physical energy, and a more easeful connection with others.

We began the conversation about healing the nervous system on last week’s Zoom gathering called, “Finding Peace in the Wisdom Years.” You can find it (and all previous recordings) here.

I’d love to continue the discussion. Join me on Wednesday, April 9th, at 3 pm ET (12 pm PT) for “Finding Safety and Connection in the Wisdom Years.” You’ll automatically receive a link if you’ve already registered for prior Zoom gatherings. If not, you can do so here.

Love,

Cheryl

P.S. – Join me for a fun and lively discussion about Self Care in the Wisdom Years at Circles of Wisdom in Methuen, MA, on Thursday, May 1^st at 6:30 pm. You can purchase tickets here.