Tag Archive for: Compassion

Cheryl's Blog

Stop expecting you from other people

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Yesterday, during a conversation with my husband Michael about my concern that a colleague wasn’t dealing with the reality of a situation, he listened carefully and then said:

“Honey, you need to stop expecting you from other people.”

I took a deep breath and groaned. How many times have I heard him say this? How often have I shared his advice with others along with the fact that every person has their own spiritual path and it’s not our job to interfere?

The conversation that followed reminded me of a blog I wrote last year about handling political differences and how that relates to managing relationships in general.

We bring our history to every encounter. While it might seem like I’m having a conversation with a friend, the reality is there’s a crowd of people standing behind both of us. Who I am, what I believe, and how I behave are influenced by my parents, siblings, teachers, employers, religious leaders, friends, strangers, and so on. Not only that, but I’m also influenced by past events – heartbreaks, disappointments, triumphs, trauma, betrayals, successes – all of it.

Our history shapes us, and once we recognize that every human being is a mixture of their life experiences, we realize that the person voting for the candidate we despise brings their whole life to the ballot box. The friend who drives us crazy because she doesn’t share our views has views of her own, influenced by her past. People who behave in ways that seem mind-boggling are guided by internal data that might appear crazy to us, while familiar and sensible to them.

Viewing humans this way helps me let go of the urge to try convincing someone to see my point. That’s because changing people’s minds and hearts isn’t just about saying the right words, using the right tone, or sharing accurate facts. I might be skilled at communication, but I can’t step inside someone’s mind and erase their past experiences. But I can manage my own.

My friend Debbie Ford used to say that when you point a finger at someone else, three fingers point back at you. She encouraged me to focus on my own issues first because doing so helps heal the history that shapes my choices and behavior. It also helps me have compassion for those who don’t share my perspectives.

These days, I’m trying my best to be more self-reflective and less reactive, but I’m a perpetual work in progress. I want to be kind instead of judgmental because I want my words to help, not harm. So I’ll be taking Michael’s advice to heart. Again ☺.

“Stop expecting you from other people.”

Love,

Cheryl

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From conflict to connection

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The afternoon sun is slipping below the horizon, turning the ash tree’s web of black branches pressed against the sky into fine art. Soon, a cloud of starlings will settle at the top before making their way south. When these chatty kids arrive, I imagine them crafting travel plans together before lifting off in unison toward their next adventure. It’s a sure sign winter is on the way.

As I sit here admiring the lingering light, I’m thinking about the aftermath of the election and how last week’s blog prompted a handful of emails from unhappy readers because I stepped away from my “neutral” position regarding politics. The readers who were gracious and thoughtful in their responses made it easy to consider their views with an open heart. The few that were mean-spirited were a potent reminder of how important it is to process our feelings before we act. Otherwise, our message will meet a wall of defensiveness and never get through.

Once I took the time to metabolize my reactions to the election, I could appreciate how important it is to continue building tolerance muscles that allow me to be receptive to different points of view. Healing requires this openness. We share a country with more than 330 million people, each with a lineage of experience different than our own. If we stop to consider the enormous variety of needs, desires, fears, and perspectives that drive our choices, we have a better chance of finding some compassion for each other.

I have the privilege of worrying about the environment and women retaining agency over their bodies, for example, because I can afford to put food on the table. Millions of people don’t have that luxury. Rather than judge them for not sharing my views, I look for common ground. I still remember the embarrassment on my Mother’s face when we had to hold up the line at the grocery store while I returned items we couldn’t afford. Millions of people are having that experience right now and it makes survival a top priority. I want to extend my hand, not slap theirs.

As for talking about politics, here’s where I stand: We can’t heal what we choose to hide. Like many of you, I grew up during a time when families never talked about religion or politics along with a whole host of other issues considered “dirty laundry.” Those days are over. The issues facing our country aren’t just political. They’re existential. We need to face the truth together and talk things through. Sarcasm, cutting remarks, or posts designed to shove our beliefs down someone’s throat will never build bridges that lead to unity and progress on important issues. These forms of communication simply relieve pressure while keeping us separate and stuck. And we can’t afford to be stuck right now.

So, hang in there with me. While some folks are in it for the fight, most of us want to work together. Let’s learn from each other. I’m open to all points of view and I hope you’ll afford me the same grace.

 

Photo by Fatih Simsek on Unsplash
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The politics of personal growth

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We’d been talking for over an hour when the subject turned to politics and I felt a charge of energy run through my body. I knew we shared different views and I wanted to stay centered and kind. These days, I’m using the heated political climate as fodder for growth despite how uncomfortable it is. As a matter of fact, I’m using it because it’s uncomfortable.

Here’s what I have so far. We bring our history to every encounter. While it might look like I’m having a conversation with a friend, for example, the reality is there’s a crowd of people standing behind both of us. Who I am, what I believe, and how I behave is influenced by my parents, siblings, teachers, employers, religious leaders, friends, strangers, etc. Not only that, I’m also affected by past events – heartbreaks, disappointments, triumphs, trauma, betrayals, successes – all of it.

Our history shapes us and once we recognize that every human being is an amalgamation of their life experiences, we realize that the person voting for the candidate we despise brings their whole life to the ballot box. The friend who drives us crazy because she doesn’t share our concerns about an important issue has important issues of her own influenced by her past. Politicians who behave in ways that seem mind-boggling are guided by internal data that might appear crazy to us while familiar and sensible to them.

Looking at humans from this perspective helps me to relax the impulse to try to get someone to see my point of view. That’s because changing hearts and minds will never be as simple as saying the right words, using the proper tone, or delivering accurate information. I might be a master at communication, but I can’t crawl inside someone’s mind and delete their historical files.

But I can deal with my own.

My friend Debbie Ford used to say that when you point a finger at someone else there are three fingers pointing back at you. Her wisdom reminds me to focus on changing myself first because it changes the history that shapes my choices. It also helps me have compassion for those who don’t share my views.

Yes, it’s important to get out and vote, support the candidates and causes I believe in, and do everything I can to promote peace and prosperity. I also need to check under the hood. I will be far more effective long term when I tend to my own wounded past because it allows me to bring a healthy adult to any conversation.

These days, with the help of wise mentors, I’m focused on being more self-reflective and less reactive. I’m noticing when my past is affecting my present so I can do something about it. I’m choosing to be kind instead of judgmental because I want my words to heal. That way I have a better chance of contributing to a solution instead of a problem. And while fear tells me this isn’t enough, the work I’ve done to heal myself tells me otherwise. Hurt people hurt people. Healed people turn the tide of history.

Love,

Cheryl

P.S. – Check out the audiobook/workshop called Self Care for the Wisdom Years available through Audible. You can learn more here.

 

Photo by Walls.io on Unsplash
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