Tag Archive for: Personal Growth

Cheryl's Blog

My “doing what’s hard” anniversary

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This weekend, I’m speaking at the Empower You conference in California, and I thought I’d share a blog post about finding joy.

~*~

The restaurant was noisy yet festive, and we’d just been seated at a high-top table by the window when a waitress came to take our drink order. Michael and I were having dinner with a colleague and his wife, Martha, a new acquaintance.

During our dinner conversation, Martha happened to mention her love of painting.

“I love a winter scene and can stand for hours on a mat in the snow painting what I see,” she declared.

Have you always painted, I asked.

“No,” she said. “Three years ago, I could barely draw a stick figure, but now it’s become a legit love affair. Have a look.”

Martha grabbed her phone and scrolled through four paintings – a portrait, a still life of apples, and two stunning nature scenes.

Wow, I guess you can paint, I told Martha, impressed by her ability. These are gorgeous!

What Martha had accomplished in three years was shocking. She was nearing seventy, had never painted before, and now clearly claimed the art form as her own.

Ok, what’s your secret? I asked, excited to hear her response, because I’ve always wanted to study piano but have repeatedly succumbed to voices that say you’re too old to learn an instrument, that you’ll just be disappointed, and that it will be too much of a challenge.

“Here’s the secret,” Martha whispered, leaning in for effect. “You have to hang in there when it gets hard. Period. If you keep going, you’ll tumble into joy.”

Three days later, I booked my first piano lesson, and here’s what happened…

My teacher, a young man in his twenties who teaches school kids so I figured I was in good hands, started our lesson by asking: “What kind of music do you like, Cheryl? Can you play anything now?”

In a shy, squeaky voice, I admitted I could play the first eight notes of Led Zeppelin’s “Stairway to Heaven.”

“Oh, do you like Led Zeppelin?” he asked.

Yes, I’ve loved them ever since I was a teenager. I listened to every song and memorized all the lyrics.

“Well, this is awesome,” exclaimed Josh, his eyes mirroring the excited list of ideas ticking through his brain. “We’re going to start by learning Led Zeppelin!”

I blushed, mentally dismissing his inflated expectations because I knew better. Or at least I thought so. Funny how life has a way of smacking you upside the head when you get in your own way.

Josh is a classically trained musician who loves rock. He’s been a member of a Led Zeppelin tribute band for years.

Of course he is….

Turns out that when you’re willing to ignore the voices that try to keep you safe, you can trust life to take you by the hand and lead the way. Yes, joy is available at every age.

Two years, lots of lessons, and plenty of practice have taught me that hard doesn’t mean stop. Sometimes hard is simply the doorway we have to walk through to discover a part of ourselves we haven’t met yet.

Love,

Cheryl

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What are you waiting for?

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Last week’s Zoom gathering about discovering your Enneagram type and how it can support us in our Wisdom Years is available on our website here.

I’ve decided to forgo writing a new blog this week and instead enjoy a trip to an antique flea market with my friend, Kimmie (the gal with the sunflower smile). The topic of this former blog explains why 😀.

 

~*~ Don’t Postpone Your Joy~*~

I stood at the kitchen sink rinsing plates and putting them in the dishwasher when I noticed a familiar train of thought laying tracks in my head. Let’s see, I told myself, I’m done paying bills, balancing the bank accounts, and cleaning up the kitchen, so now I can make a cup of tea and finish reading my book.

Sounds harmless enough, except that it was the third time in a week that I caught myself acting as if I could only do what I wanted to do once work was done. It’s an old habit, a holdout from the stage of life dedicated to accomplishment and activity, but now, in this new era – the wisdom years – I have to keep reminding myself:

You don’t have to earn your joy.

So, I sat down in the living room, pulled a blanket over my lap, and spent the next hour finishing my most recent favorite book. As I turned the final page, I closed my eyes in an effort to hold onto the magic of the experience. My back told me I’d been sitting in the same position too long, but I didn’t want to break the spell by getting up to stretch.

Late to the party, I finished “The Correspondent” by Virginia Evans. This runaway bestseller tells the tale of a woman who confronts aging, past mistakes, unshared opinions, and the consequences of living in small spaces (both in her head and in her life). The story is told through letters she writes and receives, and it’s a unique format that gets better with each turn of the page.

These days, I’m spending more time with books than with my phone or computer and it’s been such a pleasure. I’m now reading “The Forty Rules of Love” by Elif Shafak (a spiritually rich story), and in the last few months, I’ve finished autobiographies by Barbra Streisand, Anthony Hopkins, and Lionel Richie. These types of books are compelling because they not only teach me about the lives of artists, but about how the past influences the present, the trajectory of a creative career, and what people learn along the way as they age and become more self-reflective (and they all do).

I’ve learned something important by not postponing joy: Nothing catastrophic happens when you make pleasure a higher priority in your daily life. Instead, it softens the edges of the day, stretches time in the most delicious way, and reminds us that life isn’t something to be earned—it’s something to be lived.

So, this week, I’m reminding you to join me for a little pleasure. I’ll be meandering around a flea market. What will you do?

Love,

Cheryl

Image note: This artwork was AI-generated. The writing and reflections are entirely my own.
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Q & A on the Enneagram

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Listen here:

Download audio file

Resources Mentioned:

Enneagram Map
click here to view

Enneagram Tests

Robert Holden’s free test, which takes about 5 minutes:
https://quizzes.hayhouse.com/sf/b3df2b2e

Russ Hudson’s test (RHETI). This one costs $20 and is more comprehensive. If you’ve used Robert’s test and are not sure of your type, I’d recommend you take this one, too.
https://tests.enneagraminstitute.com/orders/create

Enneagram Books

The Wisdom of the Enneagram: The Complete Guide to Psychological and Spiritual Growth for the Nine Personality Types
by Russ Hudson
https://a.co/d/0hSaGMCu

Becoming Yourself: A Journey of Self-Discovery Using the Wisdom of the Enneagram
by Robert Holden
https://www.discover.hayhouse.com/becomingyourself/

Enneagram Webinar

When Life Asks More with Robert Holden and Russ Hudson
https://discover.myenneagram.com/whenlifeasksmoreofyou-replay/

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What if we’ve had it backwards all along?

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I’m a passionate lifelong learner. I swear I came out of the womb with my nose in a book, and in my wisdom years, I find that this desire has only grown stronger.

Lately, I’ve been enjoying a deeper dive into science and the emerging work on the nature of consciousness within the scientific community. Right now, I’m reading a book by Federico Faggin, an Italian-American physicist called Irreducible: Consciousness, Life, Computers, and Human Nature.

Traditional science focuses on matter first, then the brain, then consciousness. Faggin’s theory challenges this view. After having had a profound spiritual experience, Faggin speculates that life is created from consciousness first, with the mind, and then matter following.

At the core of Faggin’s work is the belief that consciousness is love. Not in a touchy-feely, soft-skill sort of way, but as a powerful creative force from which everything is born and sustained. Love is a fundamental property or expression of consciousness; it’s what we’re made of and what connects us. When we are truly present to love, we experience the unified field of consciousness.

This week I had an experience of this. I woke up one morning feeling uninspired and blah, so I decided to get outside and run a few errands. I arrived at the pet store and noticed my friend Kimmie’s car in the parking lot. I hadn’t seen her in a while and was happy to have a chance to say hello.

Kimmie is like a sunflower. She beams with an electric exuberance that’s contagious. She cooks a meal and radiates joy. She tells a story and shines with delight. On this day, when I called her name in the dog treat aisle, she turned around and greeted me with a 500-watt smile. As we hugged and caught up, I felt wrapped in a delicious mix of warmth, aliveness, and yes, love.

I left the store transformed – happy, open-hearted, and grateful, and this feeling stayed with me. While shopping for groceries, I smiled at people. I chatted with clerks and helped a woman with her bags. I seemed to move within an atmosphere of love that connected me with everyone I encountered.

This is what Federico is talking about, I thought to myself as I drove home. This state, this energy, is us. It’s our natural operating system, but we forget. The experience of love doesn’t have to be a random event; it’s a practice of presence and remembering.

Later that day, as I thought about what happened, I had a vision of a vast web of electrical currents connecting every human being on the planet. Each time someone became present to the frequency of love (field of consciousness), the entire grid grew more loving, vibrant, and strong.

This is what you need to focus on, I told myself. Figure out how to stay connected to the web.

This morning, while standing on my back deck watching a Monarch butterfly drift through the yard, I spotted an eight-point buck in the field behind our home. He looked up when I said hello, and we stared at each other for several minutes. He was majestic, jaw-dropping, an unexpected blessing. Once again, love flooded my body. You’re strengthening the field, I told myself as I did my best to stay present to the experience. Everything you, humanity, and the planet need is right here in this web, this field of consciousness. You just have to keep returning to love.

I hope this makes sense. It’s an experience that’s hard to put into words and one I’m continuing to explore.

Let’s enjoy the web together this week during a Zoom gathering on Wednesday, July 29th at 3pm ET/12pm PT. Bring your thoughts on consciousness, the wisdom years, or questions about prior Zoom gatherings (including the Enneagram!). We’ll have a chance to connect without an agenda. You’ll get an invite if you’ve joined us before. If not, you can sign up here.

Love,

Cheryl

 

Photo by Shannon Potter on Unsplash
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Healing begins when resistance ends

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It was 3am when I woke with a start, barely able to swallow. My throat felt filled with razor blades, and I groaned at the thought of getting sick. Michael and I are headed out on vacation this weekend, and there’s much to get done before we leave. Normally, I’d panic, but experience has taught me to embrace the unpredictability of life. It’s far better to put our energy into adapting to what is rather than railing against what we don’t want. When we do, time slows down, and we enter into a helpful energetic flow that comes from moving with life rather than against it.

Speaking of energy, I just finished a book called Human Medicine by Charlie Goldsmith. Charlie is a gifted healer from Australia who was featured in the 2017 television series The Healer. I’ve been following his work for years, and I loved the premise of his book that healing occurs as we embrace and reintegrate the parts of us that were left behind during times of intense stress, overwhelm, trauma, shame, etc. These parts still exist outside of our awareness, and they keep returning with important gifts to share, waiting to be met with love and acceptance.

I’ll write more about Charlie in next week’s blog because he’ll join us for a Zoom gathering on Wednesday, July 22nd, at 3pm ET/12 noon PT (mark your calendars!). We’ll discuss his beautiful work, his commitment to bringing energy healing into mainstream medicine, and a unique (and smart!) project he’s developing to make it directly available to more people. You can learn more about Charlie and his work here.

More next week…

Love,

Cheryl

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I thought I needed a roadmap, but I was wrong.

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In January of 2012, during a TEDxWomen talk, Jane Fonda referred to the last three decades of a person’s life as the third act, a developmental stage she sees as a staircase leading to: “the upward ascension of the human spirit bringing us into wisdom, wholeness, and authenticity.” Jane sees age not as pathology, but as potential, as longevity affords us another second adult life. How wonderful that we have more time to grow…

I’ve held Fonda’s perspective close over the last several years. It’s allowed me to see the challenges and opportunities of aging as fodder for a new stage of personal growth. The decision to embrace rather than resist aging is giving me some of the toughest challenges I’ve ever faced and some of the best years of my life.

As someone who has always liked a roadmap – a linear, practical path for moving through life (what I see as a more structured, masculine way of operating), I’ve found conscious aging to be a more feminine journey. This path is about presence and spontaneity rather than plans and expectations. It’s less about setting goals and intentions and more about patience – trusting the magnificent mystery of life to show me my next best step. And it’s about consistently strengthening the muscles I need to climb the staircase with confidence and courage.

Some of the capabilities that need strengthening to age well are quite challenging. You’ll need the ability to let go of responsibilities that are no longer yours so you have more space for self-reflection, growth, and trying something new. Then comes the harder task of sitting in the space you’ve created (without distractions) long enough to hear the truth of what your soul wants rather than your noisy mind.

You’ll have to increase your ability to set firm, loving boundaries around your time and energy (without apology) so you stop wasting your life on what you’ve outgrown. And you’ll want to get really good at returning to the present moment again and again because this practice will teach you to trust yourself and your ability to redirect your anxious mind when it hijacks your life.

Finally, you’ll want to know when enough is enough because, at some point, the striving for more actually gets in the way of receiving and appreciating the joy that’s always been right in front of you.

This is my life, my priorities, my path, and it’s well worth the work. The wisdom years ask for less ambition and more attention. Less certainty, more trust. It’s become pretty clear that we don’t discover wisdom at the top of the stairs, we earn it one step at a time. Thanks for taking the journey with me ❤️.

Love,

Cheryl

 

Photo by Gerald Murphy on Unsplash
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You don’t have to earn your joy

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I stood at the kitchen sink rinsing plates and putting them in the dishwasher when I noticed a familiar train of thought laying tracks in my head. Let’s see, I told myself, I’m done paying bills, balancing the bank accounts, and cleaning up the kitchen, so now I can make a cup of tea and finish reading my book.

Sounds harmless enough, except that it was the third time in a week that I caught myself acting as if I could only do what I wanted to do once work was done. It’s an old habit, a holdout from the stage of life dedicated to accomplishment and succeeding, but now, in this new stage – the wisdom years – I have to keep reminding myself:

You don’t have to earn your joy.

So, I sat down in the living room, pulled a blanket over my lap, and spent the next hour finishing my most recent favorite book. As I turned the final page, I closed my eyes in an effort to hold onto the magic of the experience. My back told me I’d been sitting in the same position too long, but I didn’t want to break the spell by getting up to stretch.

Late to the party, I finished “The Correspondent” by Virginia Evans. This runaway bestseller tells the story of a woman who confronts aging, past mistakes, unshared opinions, and the consequences of living in small spaces (both in her head and in her life). The story is told through letters she writes and receives, and it’s a unique format that gets better with each turn of the page.

These days, I’m spending more time with books than with my phone or computer and it’s been such a pleasure. I’m now reading “The Forty Rules of Love” by Elif Shafak (a spiritually rich story), and in the last few months, I’ve finished autobiographies by Barbra Streisand, Anthony Hopkins, and Lionel Richie. These types of books are compelling because they not only teach me about the lives of artists, but about how the past influences the present, the trajectory of a creative career, and what people learn along the way as they age and become more self-reflective (and they all do).

I’ve learned something important by not postponing joy: Nothing catastrophic happens when you make pleasure a higher priority in your daily life. Instead, it softens the edges of the day, stretches time in the most delicious way, and reminds us that life isn’t something to be earned—it’s something to be lived.

Love,

Cheryl

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Going back to school in our wisdom years

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I sat outside, enjoying the early spring sun, listening to the melodic song of a northern cardinal perched in a nearby tree. I closed my eyes and focused intently on the sound. The notes of its song played over and over in the same rhythmic pattern, creating a beautiful mantra that seemed to call all nearby beings into the present moment. This is why I’m here, I thought to myself as I succumbed to its spell, to remember who I really am by returning to this place of presence.

Who am I, really? This is a question we often start to ponder more seriously as we age… if we’re lucky. As we enter midlife and consider our mortality, we’re motivated to reflect on who we are on a deeper level, what our lives mean, why we’re here, and where we go when we leave our bodies. If we take these questions to heart and get serious about exploring the answers, we often find that life leads us to the perfect classrooms.

Cheryl with computer

For me, I’ve always been passionate about people, the brain, personal growth, and spiritual evolution. As I’ve entered my wisdom years, I’ve also become fascinated with neuroscience and understanding consciousness at a fundamental level. This week, life led me to a man who, I believe, is onto something big.

Federico Faggin is a physicist-turned-consciousness researcher who visits the 24th episode of the Telepathy Tapes in Season 2 to talk with its founder Ky Dickens. Federico invented the microprocessor that underlies much of the world’s technology, and after a spiritual awakening in the middle of the night, he devoted a significant portion of his life to the intersection between spirituality and quantum physics.

After listening to their conversation and watching other interviews with him on YouTube, I was excited to see a scientist put language to what many of us know to be a deeper truth about life. I highly recommend you listen to their conversation, because I predict this man will turn science on its head when it comes to the truth of who we are and why we are here.

There are so many ways to take care of ourselves as we age – fostering a healthy body, healing the history that keeps us stuck, letting go of outdated beliefs, old resentments, and the physical clutter of the past. What doesn’t get talked about enough is the opportunity to enter a new educational stage of life where we turn our attention to the areas of interest that keep gently tugging at us, wanting more of our attention. For me, it was learning an instrument, another language, and the science of consciousness. And it’s been a wonderful experience to study without the pressure of getting good grades, meeting deadlines, or needing to use what I’ve studied to achieve a specific outcome.

Learning for the pure joy of it has become a blessing in my wisdom years.

Last week, during our Zoom gathering about becoming brave as we age, we talked about exposing ourselves to new ideas, listening to conversations that challenge our assumptions, and taking risks that open us to more than what we already know. We shared ways to feed the kind of hunger that nourishes the soul.

If you want to feel more alive and excited about your life, the prescription is clear: Be a good student. Question everything. Stay open. Heed life’s invitations to pivot. Do something different.

If you need a little encouragement, you’ll find it by listening to the replay here.

Love,

Cheryl

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How to become brave as you age

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My friend Susan gave me a colorful ceramic skull as a gift after a trip to the southwest, and I keep it prominently displayed on a table in my office. The skull is a symbol of “memento mori” – the Latin phrase that means: Remember that you must die. When I look at it, though, I don’t think about death. I think about what I need to do to live well.

For the last several months, as I’ve blogged about the wisdom years and hosted Zoom gatherings to discuss a variety of age-related topics, I’ve been inspired by our conversations. Lately, having written more about death and dying, it may seem as though I’m living under a dark cloud, but it’s actually been quite the opposite. Talking about death and end-of-life planning has given me something valuable: The freedom and motivation to live more courageously.

We can’t think our way to a better life. We have to do something. Action is the antidote to worry, fear, and anxiety when it comes to aging. We need to have hard conversations, move our bodies in new ways, step beyond what’s safe and familiar, and we must take risks. Here’s what happens when you do…

In 2020, when I started cold water swimming with a group of friends in the middle of winter, I had no idea how taking this one risk would completely change my life. My friend Libby, who joined me, had no idea either.

Libby and I both started dipping regularly, and our willingness to do something so scary sparked big changes. I canceled work commitments. She left her business and launched a modeling career. I rescued two cats, and invested in piano lessons and a garden. She traveled to gorgeous places around the world and sent back pictures. I took a break from writing books and decided to read more. Libby wrote a book called Cold Joy about her ocean adventures.

Aging became an exciting experiment that took us in different directions but connected us to what turned out to be the single most important ingredient for aging well: Being part of a thriving community.

Dipping introduced me to a core group of local friends who have become my ride-or-die sisters. These women now inspire other adventures – pajama parties, theater performances, thrift-store treasure hunts, cooking lessons, and miles of walking and talking about books, movies, and current events. We’ve become catalysts and support team members for each other, and as a result, we are living richer and more meaningful lives.

It turns out that you can make the rest of your life the best part of your life, but you must be willing to take chances: some big, some small. You can’t stay in one place and expect a better view.

This will be the topic of our next Zoom gathering on Wednesday, April 22nd at 3pm ET/12 noon PT. I’ve invited my friend, Libby, to join us to talk about her midlife adventures, and together we’ll discuss how to become brave as we age. If you’ve joined me before, you’ll get the invite. If not, you can sign up here.

Love,

Cheryl

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What would you say if you had the chance?

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Last month, during a Zoom gathering about forming a more comfortable relationship with death, I suggested that we might, as an existential exercise, write a different kind of obituary and share some of them during a future gathering.

The idea was born from a conversation with my therapist about grief and how strange it is to be abruptly cut off from communication with someone after they die. With the loss of my Mother, for the very first time, I had a different experience. My siblings and I had the unbelievable blessing of finding a note from her after she passed. Our Mother wanted us to know that she wasn’t afraid to die and that she didn’t want us to be sad because she would be “dancing with angels.” Her thoughtful message provided a kind of comfort that I can’t even put into words, and the conversation with my therapist inspired me to follow her lead. I decided that I not only wanted to say goodbye to my loved ones, I wanted to leave a message for those who have read my words over the years, too. So I would write a different kind of obituary before I died.

A small percentage of people write their own obituaries. Some use the process as a way to review their lives and to leave a legacy of lessons learned. Others do it because they want to make it easier on their families who have enough to deal with once they’re gone. I appreciate this perspective. I like the idea of not burdening loved ones with having to write an obituary while in a state of shock and sorrow. I’d had that experience, and it’s an odd, painful distraction.

As Michael and I finish up our estate planning, I’m adding a brief letter to our end-of-life documents. I’m sharing my thoughts on death, the life I’ve lived, and what I hope people will remember when I’m gone. I plan to update this letter once a year as a ritual of reflection that captures how my thoughts and feelings have evolved as I age.

This week, I’ll host a Zoom gathering on this topic. I invite you to join me to offer your thoughts about crafting your own end-of-life message, one that can enhance the quality of your life while you’re still here. If you’ve written your own letter (or do so after reading this blog), you’re welcome to share it with our group. We’ll meet on Wednesday, April 15th at 3pm ET/12 noon PT. If you’ve joined us before, you’ll get the invite. If not, you can sign up here.

For those of you worried that I might be tempting fate by writing this blog, you’re not alone. The mind does a terrific job of generating thoughts that keep us from talking about death. But avoidance isn’t a self-care strategy. It’s a way to fuel fear.

The mind is a trickster and I know it. I’m ignoring the thought and encouraging you to join me for a deeper conversation about how facing death invites us to live a richer, more courageous life.

Love,

Cheryl

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