Tag Archive for: Self-Reflection

Cheryl's Blog

You don’t have to earn your joy

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I stood at the kitchen sink rinsing plates and putting them in the dishwasher when I noticed a familiar train of thought laying tracks in my head. Let’s see, I told myself, I’m done paying bills, balancing the bank accounts, and cleaning up the kitchen, so now I can make a cup of tea and finish reading my book.

Sounds harmless enough, except that it was the third time in a week that I caught myself acting as if I could only do what I wanted to do once work was done. It’s an old habit, a holdout from the stage of life dedicated to accomplishment and succeeding, but now, in this new stage – the wisdom years – I have to keep reminding myself:

You don’t have to earn your joy.

So, I sat down in the living room, pulled a blanket over my lap, and spent the next hour finishing my most recent favorite book. As I turned the final page, I closed my eyes in an effort to hold onto the magic of the experience. My back told me I’d been sitting in the same position too long, but I didn’t want to break the spell by getting up to stretch.

Late to the party, I finished “The Correspondent” by Virginia Evans. This runaway bestseller tells the story of a woman who confronts aging, past mistakes, unshared opinions, and the consequences of living in small spaces (both in her head and in her life). The story is told through letters she writes and receives, and it’s a unique format that gets better with each turn of the page.

These days, I’m spending more time with books than with my phone or computer and it’s been such a pleasure. I’m now reading “The Forty Rules of Love” by Elif Shafak (a spiritually rich story), and in the last few months, I’ve finished autobiographies by Barbra Streisand, Anthony Hopkins, and Lionel Richie. These types of books are compelling because they not only teach me about the lives of artists, but about how the past influences the present, the trajectory of a creative career, and what people learn along the way as they age and become more self-reflective (and they all do).

I’ve learned something important by not postponing joy: Nothing catastrophic happens when you make pleasure a higher priority in your daily life. Instead, it softens the edges of the day, stretches time in the most delicious way, and reminds us that life isn’t something to be earned—it’s something to be lived.

Love,

Cheryl

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The politics of personal growth

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We’d been talking for over an hour when the subject turned to politics and I felt a charge of energy run through my body. I knew we shared different views and I wanted to stay centered and kind. These days, I’m using the heated political climate as fodder for growth despite how uncomfortable it is. As a matter of fact, I’m using it because it’s uncomfortable.

Here’s what I have so far. We bring our history to every encounter. While it might look like I’m having a conversation with a friend, for example, the reality is there’s a crowd of people standing behind both of us. Who I am, what I believe, and how I behave is influenced by my parents, siblings, teachers, employers, religious leaders, friends, strangers, etc. Not only that, I’m also affected by past events – heartbreaks, disappointments, triumphs, trauma, betrayals, successes – all of it.

Our history shapes us and once we recognize that every human being is an amalgamation of their life experiences, we realize that the person voting for the candidate we despise brings their whole life to the ballot box. The friend who drives us crazy because she doesn’t share our concerns about an important issue has important issues of her own influenced by her past. Politicians who behave in ways that seem mind-boggling are guided by internal data that might appear crazy to us while familiar and sensible to them.

Looking at humans from this perspective helps me to relax the impulse to try to get someone to see my point of view. That’s because changing hearts and minds will never be as simple as saying the right words, using the proper tone, or delivering accurate information. I might be a master at communication, but I can’t crawl inside someone’s mind and delete their historical files.

But I can deal with my own.

My friend Debbie Ford used to say that when you point a finger at someone else there are three fingers pointing back at you. Her wisdom reminds me to focus on changing myself first because it changes the history that shapes my choices. It also helps me have compassion for those who don’t share my views.

Yes, it’s important to get out and vote, support the candidates and causes I believe in, and do everything I can to promote peace and prosperity. I also need to check under the hood. I will be far more effective long term when I tend to my own wounded past because it allows me to bring a healthy adult to any conversation.

These days, with the help of wise mentors, I’m focused on being more self-reflective and less reactive. I’m noticing when my past is affecting my present so I can do something about it. I’m choosing to be kind instead of judgmental because I want my words to heal. That way I have a better chance of contributing to a solution instead of a problem. And while fear tells me this isn’t enough, the work I’ve done to heal myself tells me otherwise. Hurt people hurt people. Healed people turn the tide of history.

Love,

Cheryl

P.S. – Check out the audiobook/workshop called Self Care for the Wisdom Years available through Audible. You can learn more here.

 

Photo by Walls.io on Unsplash
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Shredding the Past

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I glanced at the armoire in my office last week and thought, I’ve got to clean that thing out. It’s a tall, three-door cabinet that I bought as a gift to myself when I decided to convert my traditional office into a salon more than fifteen years ago. In the armoire, I placed all my work-related items – office supplies, files, computer, etc., so the room would be an elegant space for both myself and my guests.

Over time I stashed more and more stuff in this cabinet to the point where it became nearly impossible to fit anything else in. Although the clutter was out of sight, it felt like a needy child pulling at me for attention each time I walked into the room. But for some reason, I couldn’t get myself to clean it out.

This week I discovered why.

One afternoon I decided to tackle one shelf of the armoire. I picked the one with larger items first because they were easy to sort through and organize. Inspired by my progress, I tackled the second shelf that evening. That’s when things got a little tricky. This shelf had boxes with mementos that were dear to me, things like photos of me and my dad, special notes from readers, and a handwritten quote by my first crush – the kind of items that deserve presence and attention.

As I held each treasure I realized that I’d been avoiding the armoire because I knew it would evoke grief, wistfulness, or the sadness that comes from saying goodbye to what once was and will never be again. So, I took my time savoring each piece before deciding whether to keep the memory in a digital photo album or bless it and let it go.

The next day, feeling less overwhelmed, I arrived at the bottom two shelves that held stacks of notes from workshops I had both taken and taught, and files filled with book ideas, outlines, and potential projects. As I sifted through the paper, I felt a storm of resistance. What if I need these notes from the Enneagram course I took five years ago to teach a future workshop? Shouldn’t I keep my angel investment class summaries? What about all these ideas and outlines? Won’t I need them for a new book?

I stepped away from the armoire, pulled out my journal, and wrote about my reaction. An hour later, I realized several things.

First, I’ve metabolized all I’ve learned over the last three decades and don’t need to rely on paper. I can trust myself to reach inside and find what I need when I need it.

Second, knowledge and experience have given me a wealth of wisdom and I’d prefer to lean on that wisdom moving forward.

And third, the experience of sorting through all the paper showed me that to age consciously I must be courageous enough to say goodbye to the identities that no longer fit. I couldn’t put a new dress over an old one and expect it to feel right. Instead, I needed to clear out my career closet and make space for a new wardrobe that reflects the woman I’ve become and the one I’m growing into.

So I shredded everything.

As the last piece of paper entered the shredder, I smiled knowing that life is a grand adventure – a big question mark that inspires excitement and fear. We can either hold on tight and invest in the illusion of comfort and control or we can let go, leap, and trust ourselves to handle the ride.

I’m choosing door number two.

Love,

Cheryl

P.S. – Check out the audiobook/workshop called Self Care for the Wisdom Years available through Audible. You can learn more here.

 

Photo by Sharon Waldron on Unsplash
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